Are you glorifying busy?

I have been accused of glorifying the fact that I am busy. I have also been accused of using my busyness like a badge of honor. I have even been accused of criticizing those who are not as busy with the same sorts of things – implying they are doing something less important or valuable than I am. I would like to deny these accusations but I am guilty of doing all of these things.

I have chosen to start my own business.  I have chosen to take on all that comes along with that decision, including extreme busyness. I am learning that my choice affects the people I love but I am learning how to manage my choices because I have two mentors who have the courage to tell me the truth.

One well-formulated, well-timed question from a mentor has changed how I see all of this. It still amazes me how one question, when asked lovingly and by someone you trust implicitly, can change the lens with which you see your entire life through. I am blessed with two mentors who have mastered the art of asking that question.

During one of our more casual conversations, a mentor and close friend asked me: “how will you know when this business is running you instead of you running it, Cate?”  It was a zinger for me because I had not considered his question…ever.  I had no response so I asked him what he meant even though there is no other way to ask that question; it is a very clear question.

He indulged me and continued: “How will you know when you have started to sacrifice more than this business is worth? How will you know when you have asked too much of the people you love? How will you know when you have succeeded? How much is enough?”  As a new entrepreneur, I am a little embarrassed to say that I hadn’t really considered any of these things.  I was caught up in the rush of adrenaline most of us experience when we work so hard at our vision that it starts to become a tangible reality. The sheer volume of work this new business required was overwhelming at times and I had to admit to him that I hadn’t considered his question. I tried to answer him, though my answers were vague and a bit sad.

I knew my husband would support me in any way necessary to see me succeed.  I knew my kids would always love me…and is there such a thing as too much success? His reply was to explain that there are always costs with life decisions like this – relational, financial, physical, spiritual, and emotional – and that the costs affect everybody who loves and supports me – so I would be wise to consider them. I left our conversation and thought about his questions for a while and then forgot.  About a week later I had a different conversation with another mentor who asked me the same questions and I could no longer pretend the answers didn’t matter; my answers would be critical.

I sat down with my husband and asked the same questions and he had some answers for me, much to my surprise. He talked about our children and their need to see me and feel important. He explained that he could see a difference in their demeanor when they felt disconnected from me.  He said four words that made my heart sink: “they need their mother”.   So the difficult conversation begins…

We talked about putting boundaries in place that honor our marriage so we come through the next several years relatively unscathed and stronger for our children and families.  We talked about keeping physically healthy so that while I was building this new business and probably not sleeping well, combined with a heavy workload and long days, I would remain healthy. We talked about what he would need to take care of the home front so that both he and our children always felt like they were part of this new adventure. We promised to hold each other accountable so neither of us ever felt lost in our marriage.

It honestly sounded a little odd to me to be having discussions like this. I have always felt like conversations around “healthy boundaries” are for people who don’t observe any and people in 12 step programs, but I was dead wrong. Some of the most impactful conversations I have had are around expectations and boundaries. It is impossible to know when you have violated an expectation or boundary if you have not defined any and then we run the risk of deeply hurting the people we love and never really understanding why or how to stop. We all have expectations of others whether we realize it or not and these conversations allow us to define and express those expectations so that we are able to honor boundaries and love better.  It is painful to hear a loved one admit they have felt less important, let down, or ignored but the healthiest relationships I know have these conversations often and welcome the clarity, accountability, and responsibility they bring.

Here is how I know when I am living on a slippery slope:

When I repeatedly justify violating boundaries around family time, relationships, and friends…I am failing myself and the people who love me.

When my focus become so narrow that I can go days and weeks without wondering how those around me are feeling or what they may need from me…I am failing myself and the people who love me.

When my busyness becomes my badge of honor and justification for judging others…I am failing myself and the people who love me.

Healthy, honest conversations around expectations and boundaries are not optional if you want to succeed in any part of your life, they are critical.

Authenticity

Authenticity is something I talk about a lot. I have built an entire business around “redefining authentic beauty”.  One could argue it has become part of my identity and yet I fail miserably at it sometimes. I have spent so much mental energy trying to figure out exactly what it means to be authentic.  In my quiet, honest moments I will admit that I sometimes evaluate the behaviors of other people and weigh them against my own authenticity yardstick. I look at their decisions and actions and compare them to my own, draw conclusions, and feel a little bit better or a little bit worse about myself…and nothing about that is compassionate or authentic. 

To admit I make mistakes and that I am still worthy...is authentic.

Decisions are much easier when you know what you believe; there isn’t much room for debate when you have drawn your line in the sand…problem is, beliefs evolve and change.  Authenticity, like beauty, seems to be largely subjective and dependent on the individual.  I struggle with this because part of me wants a right answer-an absolute definition that determines the rightness or wrongness of something. Having that would make it much easier to measure against my yardstick. I have tried to judge authenticity this way and every time I do I am reminded that what is right and honest and real for me is not necessarily the same for others and I have struggled to accept this.

To admit that life is not always black and white and I often live in the grey...is authentic.

Lately, I have experienced many situations that have forced me to draw my line in the sand and all of these experiences have happened in the context of my relationships.  And after months of trying to unpack these experiences and learn from them, the only thing I am sure of is that authentic relationships are the most difficult and life giving parts of my world. I need them.

To admit I need people and that intimacy is both risky and essential for me...is authentic.

For me, authenticity means being as honest and transparent as possible…even when my honesty is a window into my ugliness and fear.  

It means not everyone is worthy of seeing into that window and I get to choose who does. 

It means that I will hurt the people I love and make mistakes and behave in petty, fearful ways that aren’t a reflection of my heart, but rather of my brokenness. 

It means that sometimes I will thrive and have an abundance of grace to give and sometimes I will just take and take. 

It means that when I am excellent at something I don't minimize my excellence and apologize for it, but accept that gift humbly. 

It means that I will not always love others well but I will always try to. 

It means that when I am being asked to do something that conflicts with my beliefs, I am allowed to walk away without explaining and justifying myself repeatedly. 

It means that when I hurt, I cry.

It means that when I am too tired to care, I give myself the space to self-protect and emotionally cocoon for as long as it takes to re-engage.  

It means that when I am bursting with love and gratitude for the people I love, I get to openly and shamelessly express that love, even if I am afraid it will look silly.



Authenticity means that I must work at continuing to be self aware.  It means that I must have knowledge of and trust in my own motives, feelings, and abilities.  It requires that I work at making sure my actions are in line with my beliefs, even when that means I have to risk something.

 Authenticity requires courage. 

How are you telling your truth ?

I have a friend who talks all the time about speaking his truth and no longer being a victim; it has become his identity. He says he is a truth-teller and if people can’t handle it…well, too bad. Speaking ones truth is a trendy idea these days and it sounds very evolved, but I think this idea needs exploring because I believe the way my friend uses it misses the point entirely.

What exactly does it mean to speak your truth? You could get lost for weeks and months reading philosophical arguments about what truth is…absolute vs. relative, subjective vs. objective-these ideas have been debated for thousands of years. But this is not what I believe my friend means. I believe he is seeking to own his story and empower himself and others by sharing it, but he is deeply erroneous in his understanding of what it means to speak his truth, in the way he “truth tells” anyway.

It is sometimes helpful to understand first what something is not before understanding what it is…

Speaking our truth does not excuse demeaning others in the process of our truth telling.  It does not mean that our opinion is always necessary or relevant.  It does not give us full license to say anything we’d like, anytime we’d like…because it is good for us.  It does not require that we are the only focus of attention and it does not minimize our accountability to others in how we say what we say.  It does not minimize the feelings of others or eclipse their experiences so that we are allowed the space we need. Speaking truth, at its core, is meant to be empowering and life-giving, not disempowering - for those telling the truth and for those listening.

My friend bullies his way through conversation and situations under the guise of speaking his truth.  He belittles the ideas and opinions of others because they’re not in line with his and they simply don’t fit into his paradigm.  His paradigm is too narrow in focus to allow room for others and he is selling himself short as well as others. He excuses his own selfish behaviour by suggesting that he cannot speak his truth and remain quiet, though he will withdraw and get quiet if he is not the focus-a behaviour that he uses to manipulate.  He inflates his own importance, I believe, because he has decided that he must dominate in order to no longer be a victim…but what I would want him to know is that there is also room for grace and transparency.  He doesn’t understand that when he humiliates others, watches as their body language changes in response, and still continues to hammer away at his agenda, that all of that fails miserably at what truth is supposed to be about and he is robbing himself as well as others.  And I am acutely aware of these behaviours and patterns because I used to behave just like him, I’m ashamed to admit.

When we own our story and seek to tell the unedited truth of who we are, it does not (it cannot) eclipse the stories others have to tell…there is always room for others, even in disagreement. When we seek to empower ourselves by speaking our truth-no matter how ugly-it does not disempower others by making them feel like less.  Our truth, when spoken in love, gives others the space and permission to be vulnerable and honest. It means that sometimes your silence is more “truth-full” and empowering than your words.  When we speak our truth we are released from the burden of shame or silence or whatever held us back from telling the truth in the first place.

Truth is the blessing of freedom and release and peace. 

When we speak our truth, we need to ask ourselves if we are truly creating a space that is empowering, loving, gracious, and authentic.  If you are, then say what you need to say (ty John Mayer)…but do it lovingly.

It has sometimes been easier for me to define what I am not about, rather than what I stand for…

My new business venture has been about marrying my entrepreneurial drive with my vision around what redefining authentic beauty really is. It has forced me to explore and define what all of that actually means to me - to any of us, really. It has been a fascinating process for me because as I am trying to define what we (@TRU) are about, I am having to understand what I am about, at my core.  And while I believe I know part of what that picture looks like, there is far more to be discovered…and even when I discover it, to some degree it is fluid and changing.

Creating my brand has forced me to internalize the question, process it, and then live my answer.  I feel like I have always been clear about what I like and don’t like, believe in and do not believe in…but living it is something entirely different. The example that constantly comes to mind is how deeply I believe that everyone is uniquely beautiful, created with purpose and passion.  I live this with the people I love-It is always true of them, but seldom of me. I am very hard on myself and my loved ones call me on my double standard constantly. I try to blow them off.  Yet, in my quiet moments, I know they are right and I am slowly beginning to see how deeply harmful my criticism of myself really is. This is how I am learning about authenticity.

Authentic beauty is defined differently for everyone.  My definition has been fairly narrow in some ways.  The reality that I have needed other people in order for this business to come to fruition has changed everything for me….

This is what I am learning our tag line “redefining authentic beauty” means for me…

Coming home to a family who loves me enough to tell me I am not honoring the family boundaries I promised I would.

Camping with girlfriends and crying around a fire together, because I am safe there and sometimes life can be really overwhelming.

Sharing intense conversation and beautiful food with a friend whose support and love give me strength when I cannot muster any of my own because I am just too emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Having so many people who believe in you that you lay in bed at night, on the verge of tears, wondering how you became so blessed. And knowing that when you’re paralyzed in fear (again), that little fact will be the only thing that gets you through.

Getting a text from one friend and then two, and then five more saying: what do you need me to do? I will help in any way needed..and they mean it. They mean every single word.

Having your loved ones hug you and squeeze a little tighter and hold on a little longer than usual to say “I am proud of you” and you know those 5 words carry weight.  Beautiful, life-giving weight.

Watching your spouse get up every single day and complete another very long “to-do List” because your dreams mean more than anything to him, even though he is dog tired.

Overhearing your 9 year old daughter brag about the new business you are opening, getting most of the details wrong… and starting to laugh because you know that the details don’t matter at all.  The fact that she is bragging means you are a role model in her young, sweet life and THAT is priceless. 

And….

Opening a new business and stepping back on Grand Opening night as you watch an entire tribe of people jump FULLY in, without hesitation, full of passion and excitement and tenacity….for YOUR vision…and having to choke back the tears because it is just too overwhelming to receive in that moment.

This is how I am learning about authentic beauty.

Exciting new vitality clinic in Yorkville!!